Secret Places

This is one of the first blogs I ever wrote about my son's autism. At the time, I felt a little strange writing about it, but lately I've come to realize that writing about my experiences with him helps me to keep things in perspective, so I've decided to re-post this here.


I don't usually write about Wyatts autism, mainly because it's such a part of my day to day life that I don't really see it as being unusual anymore, but also because I'm not big on the ...I have a child with a disability, feel sorry for me...vibe that I see with a lot of other parents. Every so often though, something comes across my path that gives me some insight into how his mind works, and the unique way that he perceives the world. I receive the Autism Society Of America's magazine Autism Advocate, and I got my new issue today. There was a fascinating essay in the back, that was written by a 13 year old boy with autism. His name is Daniel, he's in 6th grade, and he is non-verbal. The essay is called "The Special Place In Me", and describes the world inside his mind that he escapes to. I'm going to quote some of it here.

I am autistic, and it seems to be easier for kids with autism to go to a secret place in their minds than for other kids. I may not understand everything about that, but it seems that kids like me might stay in their secret place forever, if someone didn't find a way to get them out.When I was little I spent most of my time in my secret hideaway. I did not really know that there was anything that could be better than spending time alone, and I didn't realize that it could be a bad thing.It was only when I got older, and had someone that made me come out of my secret place more and more, that I started to see that going there so much could cause problems. When you are in your autistic hideaway, it can be really hard to escape on your own.I could get stuck in there all the time, by myself if someone did not force their way in to get me out. We read a story in school once about sea sirens that used to lure ships into danger with their beautiful songs. The secret place in my mind is like that. It will lure me there, and then try to keep me trapped in a place very far away

I'm amazed at this boys sense of self awareness, since on the surface, the assumption would be that since he cannot speak, he has no sense of self. I recognize Wyatt in this boy. As a toddler, it seemed that he lived in his own world, and that occasionally he would let me in, but only for short periods. He was aware of me, he would seek me out for comfort or reassurance, but he would just as often ignore me. I would attempt to interact with him, and sometimes he would connect, but more often, he would avoid eye contact. For a long time I thought it was me, that maybe we hadn't bonded, but I know now that this wasn't the case. It was that he was lost in his head, and that it took the past few years of really intensive attention to bring him out of that world. I still see him sinking into it from time to time, even around other children. His way of interacting is to recite lines from cartoons or DVD's in response to conversation, and I have to constantly repeat what other people have said to him, and then prompt him for an appropriate answer. I'm sure that parents of typically developing children must think I'm an overbearing mother (I've heard snotty comments behind my back from some of the mothers in his swimming class), but honestly, I really don't care what other people think. They can't understand unless they have a child like Wy. My biggest concern with him is keeping him connected to the world around him, and not losing him to the secret place inside his head.