I so hate having to deal with Wyatts father. As Cindi so aptly put it, he's a tool.
I've been having my yearly school district battle, and after talking to the director of the Exceptional Childrens programs, I'm going to have Wyatt transfer to Walkertown Elementary. The Principal there is much more receptive to EC Kids, having been an EC teacher, the programs is at the same level as the one he attended last year, and Walkertown is closer to my parents, which will make it easier for them to help me out on days that I have late classes.
I've had Wy's school records and his Individual Education Plan transferred over, and I'm going in tomorrow to fill out the contact paperwork, and set up school bus transportation for him. There's also an open house on the 19th, where Wyatt will be able to come see his classroom, meet his classmates and teacher, and get to look around the school before starting there. So I've got everything in order for him.
I call his father today, to make sure that he's up to speed on all of this. He knew Wy was going to transfer, and in actuality, this makes things easier for him, because Walkertown is closer to where he lives. I told him everything that was set up for Wyatt, and he says to me - "You're not going to drive him to school any more, you're going to make him ride the bus?".
Like I had told him I was going to push bamboo shoots under Wyatts nails.
I said "Yes John, he'll be 9 next month, I don't see any reason why he can't ride the schoolbus." He's ridden the bus before, in preschool and in kindergarten and first grade. The only reason he hasn't ridden the past 2 years was that he was attending Jefferson as a transfer student, which meant that the school district wouldn't provide bus transportation.
Then the tool tells me "Well, I'm going to have to go over there and make sure that everything is acceptable." I asked him if he really thought I would put Wyatt into an unacceptable school, and he said "Well I don't know Peg, you've had a lot of changes in your life lately, I just want to make sure Wyatt's getting the attention he needs"
If I could have crawled through the phone and choked the fucker I would have.
He seems to think that because Tim and I aren't together any more, that gives him the right to make veiled accusations that I'm neglecting Wyatt, or that somehow my husbands infidelity and abandonment of his family is a reflection on my parenting skills. He conveniently forgets that he ran out on his wife and son when Wyatt was 2, in fact he did it on the day we were supposed to have a 2nd birthday party for Wyatt. He also seems to conveniently forget that he's had a domestic violence protective order filed against him for verbally abusing me, backing me up against a wall, pulling his fist back and threatening to hit me in front of our 2 year old son.
The other thing that he seems to forget is that I have primary custody of Wyatt, that I have made every decision regarding Wyatts autism diagnosis, therapies, treatments and education, with virtually no input from him. The few times that he HAS attempted to make any kind of suggestions he's suggested therapies that I used with Wyatt 3-4 years earlier, and Wy has long outgrown. He wanted Wyatt to have chelation and hyperbaric O2 therapy done - treatments intended to remove heavy metals from vaccines that supposedly cause autism. I had to remind him that the vaccines Wyatt received were thimerisol (mercury based preservative) free, that there have been no credible scientific studies proving that chelation has any effect whatsoever on autistic children, and that chelation is highly experimental and has a high incidence of potentially dangerous side effects.
I've gone out of my way to treat him decently, to include him in every aspect of Wyatts life, to make sure that he's up to date on everything that's going on with Wy, and this is the kind of bullshit I get in return. He's condescending, insulting, and rude every time he comes over to pick Wyatt up. He makes snide little comments like "Has Wyatt eaten today?" or "Is that what he's going to wear?" or "Did you remember to have him do his homework?" He's also threatened twice to take me to court and fight me for custody, claiming he had a lawyer. Both times I told him to go ahead, and he ended up backing down and admitting he didn't have a lawyer after all.
God he's just SUCH an asshole!
Right now he's pissed because I've told him that I need for him to pick up more time with Wyatt, and that if he continues to pay his child support late I'm going to have it garnished from his paycheck. His response to that was to tell me that Wyatt can come live with him every other week and we'll eliminate child support all together.
That's not going to happen. I'm not going to shuttle Wyatt between 2 homes every week, that's too much transition and too much inconsistency for him, it's not in his best interests. He's already had enough major changes in his life this year, I'm not going to force any more on him, that's not fair to him. And honestly, I don't think John is capable of dealing with Wyatt on a full time basis, I don't think he has the stamina or the patience in the long run. I know what his temper is like, he stuffs everything down until he reaches the boiling point, and then explodes over something inconsequential (like, say, a sink full of dirty dishes). He also has bouts of severe depression, which he refuses to get treatment for. He can handle Wy for 1-2 days at a time, or for the occasional week, but raising an autistic child full time is a whole different ball game, and he's not equipped for it.
So, I think maybe it's time for me to verbally smack him down again, put him in his place, and make it crystal clear to him that I will NOT tolerate this bullshit from him. I've gone out of my way to try and keep things on an even keel for Wyatts sake, but I've about reached my limit with this ass monkey.
Showing posts with label Divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Divorce. Show all posts
Friday, September 11, 2009
How To Handle a Tool
No, this is NOT a home improvement note.
Well OK, in a way it is.
The Tool came to pick up Wy for the weekend this morning. Wy slept in, so when Tool got here, Wy was still in his PJ's eating breakfast. I invited him in to sit down, and offered him coffee, which he refused as always, and he stood in the doorway, not looking me in the eye, again as always.
Wy finished his breakfast, and I sent him upstairs to get dressed and told his father " Sit down, We need to have a talk".
I started off by telling him, I know he loves Wy, and that he wants what's best for him, and that I want the same thing too. Then I let him have it - not yelling, not crazed psycho, very calmly and clearly.
I told him that since Tim and I split up, I've seen a change in his attitude towards me, and I don't like it. Told him he's become condescending and rude, and I'm not tolerating it from him. I said that over the last 7 years I've done 90% of the parenting work, and the reason Wyatt functions at the level he does is because of the work I do with him on a daily basis.
His response was "Well I'm his parent too, and I work with him too". I said "What's his Case Managers name? Who was his best friend at camp? How much did camp cost? What's his swimming teachers name? What were his scores on his end of grade testing? What was his IQ score on his last developmental evaluation? When was his last Doctors appointment? What's his favorite TV show? What's the name of the head of Exceptional Chidrens Programs for the school district?"
He couldn't answer any of these questions. So, he got very defensive and started sputtering.
I told him "You made the choice to walk out when Wyatt was 2. You chose not to attend any of his evaluations, or have any kind of active role in his education until he was 6. You chose not to start learning anything about autism until he was 6, and what you have "learned" is all anecdotal and experimental, and has no basis in science, and no credible research to back it up. I've not only spent the last 7 years researching and applying proven therapies, I've also given 2 lectures to the regular teaching staff at Wyatts school on understanding autism, and how to deal with social and behavioral issues with autistic children in a regular classroom setting."
Apparently he wasn't aware of that.
I also told him that we have a valid custody agreement, with a reasonable visitation schedule, one that I have been more than willing to be flexible with, but there was no way that Wyatt was going to shuttle between his apartment and mine every other week, that it was too much transition and too much inconsistency for him.
He said "Agreements can change Peg". I said "How, with you and your imaginary lawyer that you've been threatening me with for the past year? Because I have a REAL lawyer, so if you and the firm of Tinkerbell, Dumbledore and Frodo would like to face off with a former DA who specializes in family court law, you're more than welcome to do so."
Then he got contrite, saying he only wants what's best for Wyatt, and he's worried that my school schedule is going to impact Wyatt. I told him I've spent the last 6 years arranging my schedule around Wyatts, and that I've managed to meet Wyatts needs, work a part time job and maintain a 3.8 GPA, and that if he's so concerned that Wyatt isn't getting enough attention he should make more of an effort to spend time with him. Told him that he's known for almost 7 years that if he wants to come pick Wyatt up for a few hours, take him to the park or the pool all he has to do is call me, but in the past 7 years he's NEVER done that, so his argument that he's concerned about Wy not getting attention doesn't hold water.
By this point Wy was dressed, so I ended the conversation by telling the Tool that if he has concerns about Wyatt, he is to address them to me in a respectful, polite manner, and we will sit down together and discuss them, but I will NOT tolerate any more snide remarks or condescending attitude from him.
He had no response to that, and tried to hustle Wy out the door, and I stopped him and said "I don't let you leave without having Wy give you a hug and kiss, I expect that you show me the same courtesy, especially in my own home."
Then I kissed my boy, and watched his father walk down the driveway with him, looking thoroughly defeated.
What a LOVELY way to start the day!
Well OK, in a way it is.
The Tool came to pick up Wy for the weekend this morning. Wy slept in, so when Tool got here, Wy was still in his PJ's eating breakfast. I invited him in to sit down, and offered him coffee, which he refused as always, and he stood in the doorway, not looking me in the eye, again as always.
Wy finished his breakfast, and I sent him upstairs to get dressed and told his father " Sit down, We need to have a talk".
I started off by telling him, I know he loves Wy, and that he wants what's best for him, and that I want the same thing too. Then I let him have it - not yelling, not crazed psycho, very calmly and clearly.
I told him that since Tim and I split up, I've seen a change in his attitude towards me, and I don't like it. Told him he's become condescending and rude, and I'm not tolerating it from him. I said that over the last 7 years I've done 90% of the parenting work, and the reason Wyatt functions at the level he does is because of the work I do with him on a daily basis.
His response was "Well I'm his parent too, and I work with him too". I said "What's his Case Managers name? Who was his best friend at camp? How much did camp cost? What's his swimming teachers name? What were his scores on his end of grade testing? What was his IQ score on his last developmental evaluation? When was his last Doctors appointment? What's his favorite TV show? What's the name of the head of Exceptional Chidrens Programs for the school district?"
He couldn't answer any of these questions. So, he got very defensive and started sputtering.
I told him "You made the choice to walk out when Wyatt was 2. You chose not to attend any of his evaluations, or have any kind of active role in his education until he was 6. You chose not to start learning anything about autism until he was 6, and what you have "learned" is all anecdotal and experimental, and has no basis in science, and no credible research to back it up. I've not only spent the last 7 years researching and applying proven therapies, I've also given 2 lectures to the regular teaching staff at Wyatts school on understanding autism, and how to deal with social and behavioral issues with autistic children in a regular classroom setting."
Apparently he wasn't aware of that.
I also told him that we have a valid custody agreement, with a reasonable visitation schedule, one that I have been more than willing to be flexible with, but there was no way that Wyatt was going to shuttle between his apartment and mine every other week, that it was too much transition and too much inconsistency for him.
He said "Agreements can change Peg". I said "How, with you and your imaginary lawyer that you've been threatening me with for the past year? Because I have a REAL lawyer, so if you and the firm of Tinkerbell, Dumbledore and Frodo would like to face off with a former DA who specializes in family court law, you're more than welcome to do so."
Then he got contrite, saying he only wants what's best for Wyatt, and he's worried that my school schedule is going to impact Wyatt. I told him I've spent the last 6 years arranging my schedule around Wyatts, and that I've managed to meet Wyatts needs, work a part time job and maintain a 3.8 GPA, and that if he's so concerned that Wyatt isn't getting enough attention he should make more of an effort to spend time with him. Told him that he's known for almost 7 years that if he wants to come pick Wyatt up for a few hours, take him to the park or the pool all he has to do is call me, but in the past 7 years he's NEVER done that, so his argument that he's concerned about Wy not getting attention doesn't hold water.
By this point Wy was dressed, so I ended the conversation by telling the Tool that if he has concerns about Wyatt, he is to address them to me in a respectful, polite manner, and we will sit down together and discuss them, but I will NOT tolerate any more snide remarks or condescending attitude from him.
He had no response to that, and tried to hustle Wy out the door, and I stopped him and said "I don't let you leave without having Wy give you a hug and kiss, I expect that you show me the same courtesy, especially in my own home."
Then I kissed my boy, and watched his father walk down the driveway with him, looking thoroughly defeated.
What a LOVELY way to start the day!
Once a Tool, Always a Tool
So I just got off the phone with you know who.
If you don't know who, you haven't been reading my notes, so you have nobody but yourself to blame.
I told him 3WEEKS AGO that Wy's open house was last night. I also called him 3 times yesterday, AND set him a text message reminding him. I spoke with him yesterday at around 4pm, because I hadn't heard back from him, and he said he was on his way back from a trip, but he'd meet us over at the school.
Of course he didn't show, Wy and I left, and went out to dinner with my family for my mothers birthday.
He just called me about an hour ago, and left a message, mightily pissed that he was at the school, and the open house was yesterday.
So I called him back, I got a shitload of attitude, alternating with dead silence. (Dead and silent are both really good looks for him BTW). He tried to blame the fact that he missed the open house on me, saying I didn't remind him. I very sickeningly sweetly told him, "well, don't beat yourself up too much, I mean people make mistakes all the time, I don't blame you because you forgot"
Which pissed him off even more, as it was intended to.
Too. Fucking. Bad.
He knew about this 3 weeks ago. I also e-mailed him the link to the schools web site, which had the open house date CLEARLY posted on the home page. But he apparently put more effort into remembering his rock climbing vacation than he did into his sons open house, which is typical for him.
When Wyatt was born, he told me that he wanted to go rock climbing to celebrate the birth of his son. He wanted to leave 2 days after I came home from the hospital. So, he was planning to leave me home with a brand new baby, and go hang off a cliff to celebrate the fact that 9 months earlier he had spilled off a few cells, which I then grew into a human being, carried inside my body, nurtured, and spent over 18 hours bringing into the world.
And he hasn't changed one bit in the past almost 9 years. What he wants comes ahead of anything else, and if it's not a priority to him, he doesn't manage to remember it.
So, just like the previous 6 years, I'M the one who takes care of everything related to Wyatts education, despite the tools protestations of wanting to be an involved parent.
Oh I think I'm going to need to take a xanax before he comes over to pick up Wyatt tomorrow!
If you don't know who, you haven't been reading my notes, so you have nobody but yourself to blame.
I told him 3WEEKS AGO that Wy's open house was last night. I also called him 3 times yesterday, AND set him a text message reminding him. I spoke with him yesterday at around 4pm, because I hadn't heard back from him, and he said he was on his way back from a trip, but he'd meet us over at the school.
Of course he didn't show, Wy and I left, and went out to dinner with my family for my mothers birthday.
He just called me about an hour ago, and left a message, mightily pissed that he was at the school, and the open house was yesterday.
So I called him back, I got a shitload of attitude, alternating with dead silence. (Dead and silent are both really good looks for him BTW). He tried to blame the fact that he missed the open house on me, saying I didn't remind him. I very sickeningly sweetly told him, "well, don't beat yourself up too much, I mean people make mistakes all the time, I don't blame you because you forgot"
Which pissed him off even more, as it was intended to.
Too. Fucking. Bad.
He knew about this 3 weeks ago. I also e-mailed him the link to the schools web site, which had the open house date CLEARLY posted on the home page. But he apparently put more effort into remembering his rock climbing vacation than he did into his sons open house, which is typical for him.
When Wyatt was born, he told me that he wanted to go rock climbing to celebrate the birth of his son. He wanted to leave 2 days after I came home from the hospital. So, he was planning to leave me home with a brand new baby, and go hang off a cliff to celebrate the fact that 9 months earlier he had spilled off a few cells, which I then grew into a human being, carried inside my body, nurtured, and spent over 18 hours bringing into the world.
And he hasn't changed one bit in the past almost 9 years. What he wants comes ahead of anything else, and if it's not a priority to him, he doesn't manage to remember it.
So, just like the previous 6 years, I'M the one who takes care of everything related to Wyatts education, despite the tools protestations of wanting to be an involved parent.
Oh I think I'm going to need to take a xanax before he comes over to pick up Wyatt tomorrow!
The Benefit Of Experience
I've been seeing friends go through some really hellish relationship crap lately, and it's very upsetting to me. Since I've been through my own hell lately, and come out of it stronger and wiser, I've decided that I'm going to pass along the benefit of my experience. Since this is from my perspective, I'll use the word he, but feel freee to substitute your own preferred gender.
Your relationship shouldn't have to be some big secret. Any man that says "lets just keep this to ourselves" doesn't want people to know that you're together. That should be a HUGE red flag. When you're in a relationship with someone you truly care about, you can't WAIT to tell your friends, your family, the people that matter to you. A man that DOESN'T want the person they're dating to meet their friends and family has a reason, and it's almost never a good one.
Someone that breaks plans with you (outside of a medical emergency) does so because they CHOOSE to, because what they want to do without you is more important to them than what they'd planned with you.
A man that can't clearly tell you what his feelings for you are, doesn't have feelings for you, but doesn't have the balls to tell you. He's not confused, he's a coward. He's not going to have some huge epiphany and realize that you've been the one all along, he's just going to keep stringing you along until something more interesting to him crosses his path.
A man that doesn't want you until he can't have you any more, doesn't really want you at all, he just doesn't want anyone else to have you, and that's not love. That's selfishness and possessiveness, and it's something a 3 year old would do. Do you really want to be involved with a man who has the emotional maturity of a preschooler?
A man who lies to you about where he's been or what he's been doing need to be shown the door immediately. If he wasn't doing something wrong, there's be no reason for him to lie.
A man who tells you he feels one way, but behaves the opposite is sending you a message. Actions speak louder than words, so pay attention to behavior. Talking the talk is easy. Walking the walk shows you who a person really is at their core.
By the same token, when you ask a man a direct question about the relationship, and you don't get an answer - you've gotten an answer. If you say "Where do you see this going?" and you get a sidestep, a change of subject, or an avoidance, then it's going nowhere. Save yourself the frustration and pain, pick up your purse and walk away.
What I'm seeing , especially with my younger friends, is this really skewed concept of what a relationship, of what love is. So many people seem to think that if it's not high drama ALL the time, if there aren't dizzying highs and gut wrenching lows, then it's not love.
That's bullshit.
Real love, real SOLID love, is not highs and lows. Real love is stable, you can depend on it. You know with NO doubt, that when you truly need him, he's going to be there for you. When you make plans he'll show up. When he tells you he's going to do something he'll do it. You won't have to make excuses for his behavior, because there won't be any behavior that requires an excuse.
When someone loves you, they treat you the way you deserve to be treated. They treat you with respect and kindness, they're affectionate, and they let you know that you matter to them. They respect your intelligence, they don't belittle you, and they don't deliberately do things that cause you pain. They don't embarrass you in front of your friends and family.
If you're involved with someone who treats you in a way that's any less than this, WALK AWAY! Step back, take a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you're allowing him to treat you this way. If you truly think that this is what you deserve, then for Gods sake, get some help. Nobody deserves to be treated badly.
People will treat you in whatever way you allow them to. Don't let someone use you as something to wipe their shoes on, just for the sake of having someone in your life. You're better off alone than with someone who shits all over you.
Your relationship shouldn't have to be some big secret. Any man that says "lets just keep this to ourselves" doesn't want people to know that you're together. That should be a HUGE red flag. When you're in a relationship with someone you truly care about, you can't WAIT to tell your friends, your family, the people that matter to you. A man that DOESN'T want the person they're dating to meet their friends and family has a reason, and it's almost never a good one.
Someone that breaks plans with you (outside of a medical emergency) does so because they CHOOSE to, because what they want to do without you is more important to them than what they'd planned with you.
A man that can't clearly tell you what his feelings for you are, doesn't have feelings for you, but doesn't have the balls to tell you. He's not confused, he's a coward. He's not going to have some huge epiphany and realize that you've been the one all along, he's just going to keep stringing you along until something more interesting to him crosses his path.
A man that doesn't want you until he can't have you any more, doesn't really want you at all, he just doesn't want anyone else to have you, and that's not love. That's selfishness and possessiveness, and it's something a 3 year old would do. Do you really want to be involved with a man who has the emotional maturity of a preschooler?
A man who lies to you about where he's been or what he's been doing need to be shown the door immediately. If he wasn't doing something wrong, there's be no reason for him to lie.
A man who tells you he feels one way, but behaves the opposite is sending you a message. Actions speak louder than words, so pay attention to behavior. Talking the talk is easy. Walking the walk shows you who a person really is at their core.
By the same token, when you ask a man a direct question about the relationship, and you don't get an answer - you've gotten an answer. If you say "Where do you see this going?" and you get a sidestep, a change of subject, or an avoidance, then it's going nowhere. Save yourself the frustration and pain, pick up your purse and walk away.
What I'm seeing , especially with my younger friends, is this really skewed concept of what a relationship, of what love is. So many people seem to think that if it's not high drama ALL the time, if there aren't dizzying highs and gut wrenching lows, then it's not love.
That's bullshit.
Real love, real SOLID love, is not highs and lows. Real love is stable, you can depend on it. You know with NO doubt, that when you truly need him, he's going to be there for you. When you make plans he'll show up. When he tells you he's going to do something he'll do it. You won't have to make excuses for his behavior, because there won't be any behavior that requires an excuse.
When someone loves you, they treat you the way you deserve to be treated. They treat you with respect and kindness, they're affectionate, and they let you know that you matter to them. They respect your intelligence, they don't belittle you, and they don't deliberately do things that cause you pain. They don't embarrass you in front of your friends and family.
If you're involved with someone who treats you in a way that's any less than this, WALK AWAY! Step back, take a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you're allowing him to treat you this way. If you truly think that this is what you deserve, then for Gods sake, get some help. Nobody deserves to be treated badly.
People will treat you in whatever way you allow them to. Don't let someone use you as something to wipe their shoes on, just for the sake of having someone in your life. You're better off alone than with someone who shits all over you.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Reflections on an Anniversary
Today it's now 5 months since Tim and I separated.
Well, maybe separated isn't the most accurate term. The more accurate way of saying it would be that it's been 5 months since Tim blindsided me by telling me he was leaving me on Valentines day.
I'm not going to rehash the details of the past few months, I've blogged about that ad nauseum. Right now, I'm more focused on the emotional process I'm going through, the different stages of the grieving process that I've been passing through over the past months.
For the first month I think that I was in shock. Yes, I was angry, hurt, heartbroken, devastated. I cried, I raged, I sat on the couch, numb, for hours at a time. But I was also going to school, taking care of Wyatt, and working. I was, in all senses of the word, functioning. I stayed in this state for almost 2 months.
Then April 9th rolled around. For the rest of my life, I'll define that day for myself as a turning point in my life. That was the day that my house was robbed, while my oldest son was home sleeping, and the day that I found out for certain that Tim had been cheating on me for months.
The combination sent me into a slow tailspin. I found myself becoming less and less able to function. I was having panic attacks, insomnia, I was nauseous all the time, and I lost 10 lb in a month. Each day that went by, it became progressively more difficult to pull myself into my own life.
June was the worst of it. Despite all my positive fb notes and status updates, I was a wreck. I was hiding it really well for the most part, but I was really one foot over the ledge and losing balance. I cried every day, sometimes until I had no tears left. It was everything I could do to drag myself out of bed and take care of Wyatt, and forcing myself to do that used up nearly every drop of energy I had. I thought about dying all the time, about how much easier it would be to just shut my eyes and never open them again, because if I did that, I wouldn't hurt any more. The only thing that kept me from actually doing something incredibly stupid was the boys. As bad off as I was, I knew I could never cause my children the pain of taking my own life.
I knew I had to do something to pull myself back from the ledge. I knew that I couldn't stay like this, that I had to take control of my life back from Tim. I couldn't allow his selfishness and bad behavior to define me, to alter who I was, or to continue to impact my life and the lives of the people who depend on me. I was already on medication for depression, so I increased the dose, started taking my anti-anxiety medication at bedtime, and started working out again. I also made a concious choice, to recognise the reality that I was in, to accept it, and to move foreward from it.
I had a dream about him last night, the same dream I've had several times over the past 5 months. We run into each other, we talk, and he has plausible, valid reasons for what he's done. He never cheated on me, he was struggling through some psych issue, he was treated for it, he's spent the past months working on being a better man, and we end up back together and happy.
2 months ago, or last month, that dream would have had me rolling over in bed and reaching for him, wanting to wrap myself up in his arms and rest my head on his chest. This morning, I got up, sighed, put on a pot of coffee, and sat on the back porch listening to the birds. It's not that I'm not still sad about what's happened, I am. But it's not the sharp, heavy, bone crushing, drowning in sand pain of the previous 2 months. This is more like a dull ache, like the way the leg I broke feels before it's going to rain. It's there, I'm aware of it, but it doesn't define me, and it's not the center of my world anymore.
I know I'm still not fully healed from this, and I probably won't be for years. But I AM healing, slowly, carefully, and with pharmecological intervention, but healing nonetheless.
And that's something I can hold on to.
Well, maybe separated isn't the most accurate term. The more accurate way of saying it would be that it's been 5 months since Tim blindsided me by telling me he was leaving me on Valentines day.
I'm not going to rehash the details of the past few months, I've blogged about that ad nauseum. Right now, I'm more focused on the emotional process I'm going through, the different stages of the grieving process that I've been passing through over the past months.
For the first month I think that I was in shock. Yes, I was angry, hurt, heartbroken, devastated. I cried, I raged, I sat on the couch, numb, for hours at a time. But I was also going to school, taking care of Wyatt, and working. I was, in all senses of the word, functioning. I stayed in this state for almost 2 months.
Then April 9th rolled around. For the rest of my life, I'll define that day for myself as a turning point in my life. That was the day that my house was robbed, while my oldest son was home sleeping, and the day that I found out for certain that Tim had been cheating on me for months.
The combination sent me into a slow tailspin. I found myself becoming less and less able to function. I was having panic attacks, insomnia, I was nauseous all the time, and I lost 10 lb in a month. Each day that went by, it became progressively more difficult to pull myself into my own life.
June was the worst of it. Despite all my positive fb notes and status updates, I was a wreck. I was hiding it really well for the most part, but I was really one foot over the ledge and losing balance. I cried every day, sometimes until I had no tears left. It was everything I could do to drag myself out of bed and take care of Wyatt, and forcing myself to do that used up nearly every drop of energy I had. I thought about dying all the time, about how much easier it would be to just shut my eyes and never open them again, because if I did that, I wouldn't hurt any more. The only thing that kept me from actually doing something incredibly stupid was the boys. As bad off as I was, I knew I could never cause my children the pain of taking my own life.
I knew I had to do something to pull myself back from the ledge. I knew that I couldn't stay like this, that I had to take control of my life back from Tim. I couldn't allow his selfishness and bad behavior to define me, to alter who I was, or to continue to impact my life and the lives of the people who depend on me. I was already on medication for depression, so I increased the dose, started taking my anti-anxiety medication at bedtime, and started working out again. I also made a concious choice, to recognise the reality that I was in, to accept it, and to move foreward from it.
I had a dream about him last night, the same dream I've had several times over the past 5 months. We run into each other, we talk, and he has plausible, valid reasons for what he's done. He never cheated on me, he was struggling through some psych issue, he was treated for it, he's spent the past months working on being a better man, and we end up back together and happy.
2 months ago, or last month, that dream would have had me rolling over in bed and reaching for him, wanting to wrap myself up in his arms and rest my head on his chest. This morning, I got up, sighed, put on a pot of coffee, and sat on the back porch listening to the birds. It's not that I'm not still sad about what's happened, I am. But it's not the sharp, heavy, bone crushing, drowning in sand pain of the previous 2 months. This is more like a dull ache, like the way the leg I broke feels before it's going to rain. It's there, I'm aware of it, but it doesn't define me, and it's not the center of my world anymore.
I know I'm still not fully healed from this, and I probably won't be for years. But I AM healing, slowly, carefully, and with pharmecological intervention, but healing nonetheless.
And that's something I can hold on to.
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